close call

Today's one of those days I could just throttle the dog. At the same time, though, I'm just glad he's alive and unhurt. We were taking a walk and came up to Danziger Straße, a major thoroughfare with tram tracks on the center divide. The light turned green for us, and we walked across one half of the street. Oko was walking faster than me and was already on the other side of the tram tracks before I realized that a tram was coming. I called out to him to stay put and wait for me there (rather than continuing across the road where I wouldn't be able to see him). He obeyed, and the tram went by. But then, Oko was unsure of himself. He probably thought that I wanted him to come back to where I was standing. Not entirely illogical. Only, see, there was a second tram coming. I yelled out to him to stop, to stand still, but he only slowed down. I yelled again, and when he finally stood still, he was standing right smack in the middle of the tram's path. Had I not had Marie with me, I probably would have run forward, grabbed him by the collar and leaped for the other side of the tracks. But I did have Marie with me, and not to put too fine a point on it, but if I'm going to risk someone's life, it's gonna be the dog's, not my daughter's. The tram driver was ringing his warning bell, I was yelling at Oko, and at least half a dozen other pedestrians were watching the scene unfold. Oko was frozen in his tracks (no pun intended), and the tram driver did an emergency brake, stopping inches from Oko. I grabbed Oko and yanked him back over to safety. When I looked up, the tram driver was gesturing wildly, understandably pissed off at the stupid lady with the dog and the baby. I made a feeble gesture of apology, and the tram continued. I was mortified. Not only that, but I was so shaky from the whole experience that I kept Oko on a tight leash the rest of the way, lest he get smushed by some other moving vehicle. Oko's the one with high blood pressure and a heart condition, but I'm the one who nearly had a heart attack today. And really, I could kill him for that, but I'm just too happy he's still around.

sleeping beauties

As many of you may know already, Toffi has been working on this historical/political documentary. He was the researcher for the German version, which aired in February, and he did such a fantastic job that they bumped him up to assistant producer for the English-language international version. They're sending the first cut to the networks this weekend, which is stressful enough, but on top of that, they had to wait for some archive material to get here from Washington, and it didn't arrive until Wednesday. So Toffi's last few days have been a blur of working in the cutting room, coming home at sunrise, sleeping a few hours and then doing it all over again. Needless to say he's exhausted. If there's anything cuter than Marie sleeping, then it's her sleeping next to her Papa.

monkey see, monkey do

OMG. Today, Marie did the cutest thing ever. I mean apart from screaming because her gums hurt and spitting up all over me multiple times. She played her first game. I had her on my lap and was holding one of her little hands in my hand. I kissed her hand and explained to her what I was doing. Then I did it again. Then she pulled my hand to her mouth and kissed it! Well, she didn't kiss it - she just sort of slobbered on it. But still! She imitated me and wanted to kiss me back! We took turns kissing each other's hands 4 or 5 times. I am sooooooo in love with my little monkey daughter.

how Stephanie got her ass back

I fully expected pregnancy and childbirth to change my body (read: figure) - I had no illusions about that. I was unsure, however, as to how my figure would change. My assumption was that I would spend a few months heavier than usual, maybe with a bit of a leftover belly. I was unprepared for what actually happened.

After coming home from the hospital, it took about 2 weeks for the weather to be cool enough to wear long pants, and when that happened, I could already fit into my normal jeans. When I went in for my 6 weeks postpartum checkup, I weighed exactly the same amount as when I had gone in for my first prenatal appointment. For the past several weeks now, all my jeans have been sagging, in some cases falling off my ass. Who would have thought that I would end up skinnier after pregnancy than before?

Now I know y'all are saying, "Dude, Stephanie, you've always been skinny. Just shut up and consider yourself lucky for not having any weight problems." And I know y'all mean that in the nicest possible way. But for real, kids, this has been bugging me. Combine that with the fact that my skin has gotten really dry (without the acne letting up, however, and really, saying goodbye to pimples was the only reason I was looking forward to having dry skin someday) and that my hair has started to fall out a little (a "normal" postpartum symptom that is nevertheless a little hard to get used to), and I'm pretty weirded out by my post-baby body. While walking around town with Toffi yesterday, I was finally able to describe it:

"It's as though my stretched-out skin is just sort of hanging from my skeleton with no muscle or fat to give it any shape. My breasts are the only part of me that have retained - even gained - their form."

Now tell me that ain't sexy.

Being the wonderful man he is, Toffi took me jeans shopping that very day. After a complete failure at H & M, he took me to a clothing store I probably never would have gone into otherwise, WE, and the first pair I tried on there fit like they were made for me. They're called "Eve," which is kind of a sexy name, the denim's soft and the cut emphasizes my long legs. And the best part? They make my ass look perky again!

Now all I need to do is work out a little more so that eventually, I won't need the jeans to feel good about my body. Eh, piece of cake.

Also, girls, check out my question and Amalah's answer regarding moisturizers for the eye area (I was suspicious of the potential ulterior motives of skincare companies and wanted an objective opinion). Amalah has great advice on a lot of topics, and if you have enough vanity to worry about getting crow's feet in the future, you might want to consider her points.

huh

This is interesting. The New York Times is reporting that the frequent use of pain medicine for headaches can actually increase the frequency of said headaches. This has been a no-brainer for me for several years now, as I've found that taking painkillers only in extreme situations has, indeed, led to me having fewer headaches. The really interesting part, though, is only mentioned in passing in the article, namely that Botox may prevent tension headaches and migraines when injected into the scalp. Huh. Who knew?

contortionist nursing

I seriously need to get in touch with my midwife again 'cuz this just won't stand. I seem to get a clogged milk duct once a week or so. Sometimes, the cause is obvious (i.e. undue sustained pressure on the breast), but other times, it seems completely inexplicable to me. Also, every time I get one, it takes creative breastfeeding to resolve it, and this creativity inevitably leads to back pain. (Note: the camera angle might lead you to think Marie's the one contorting herself, but this isn't the case. She actually has no problem nursing like this and often falls asleep while doing so. I, on the other hand, have to strain all sorts of muscles to hold this position and couldn't fall asleep if I took a tranquilizer. Believe me, this is not how we normally nurse!)

On a happier note, I took the German written driver's test today and passed! So after a few practice sessions with an instructor, I'll be ready for the actual driving test. Then, after living here for four friggin' years, I'll finally be allowed to drive a car in this country!

decisions, decisions

Last night while I was watching an episode of my beloved The West Wing, Marie discovered the play bar on her bouncy seat for the first time. As you can see, though, she still can't decide which is better: playing with the colorful bears or stuffing her hands in her mouth. (It had better work, too, 'cuz it took 4 tries to upload the damn thing!)

calling in sick

Today's lesson, kids, is that when you have children, you permanently forfeit your right to taking sick days. Well, maybe not permanently, but for at least the next 18 years. Seriously, you can't call in sick to motherhood.

Yep, that's right - I caught Toffi's flu bug, and I feel like someone has locked my head in some kind of pressure tank (I can't decide if it's high or low pressure cuz the pressure is impairing my brain functions). I'm sneezing, sniffling and have almost lost my voice, all of which happened in the time since I was feeling kinda weird last night. I thought maybe the reason I woke up so many times last night was because I was worried about Marie's fever getting too high (it never broke 38.5° C - that's 101.3° F), but it turns out it had more to do with my own physical discomfort.

So we make a funny household. Toffi's almost over the flu, and is by far the most functioning one of us, despite having an earache. Marie is still cranky from her shots, and the injection sites on her thighs are still very sensitive to touch or pressure. And I'm all congested and achy, wondering how I'm supposed to entertain a cranky baby when my head hurts every time I move any muscle whatsoever.

Oh, did I mention we have company this weekend? And that I'm supposed to be studying for the German driver's exam, which I'm taking on Tuesday? Fun times...

growing pains, part 2

Marie got her second round of vaccinations today, and Toffi and I braced ourselves for the worst. Things were backed up at the pediatrician, so we kept her entertained with a nifty toy that was in the exam room while we waited. It was colorful and looked a little like it was modeled after an atom - not only did Marie like it, but Toffi and I were pretty taken too! Anyhow, Marie was in a fantastic mood, wiggling around smiling her heart out. The doc came in and made sure she was healthy, then we had to hold her for the shots. She cried, but not nearly as loud and hard as the last time. We were pleasantly surprised, and spent almost the entire walk home talking about how brave our little girl is (are we proud parents, or what?).

She's still not quite herself, though. She's a little crankier than usual, needs a little more sleep than usual, and I'm watching out for any signs of fever since she had a low-grade one last time. Also, we have to use disposable diapers for a day or so because the cloth ones we normally use rub up against the injection sites and seem to cause her considerable discomfort. I hope she'll be back to her usual self tomorrow - and I also hope she doesn't get the flu because now it looks like I got it from Toffi after all.

my other baby

IMG_0505, originally uploaded by appelsauce.

Poor Oko gets neglected sometimes now that Marie is here, stealing the show. He definitely accepts her as part of the family and - when the situation arises - feels the need to protect her from people he deems not kosher. But sometimes he gets a slightly bored, slightly wistful look on his face, and it's clear he misses being the center of attention. Since Yahoo! has shut down its photo service, I had all my photos that were on it moved to Flickr, and my first experiment was to create a set of pictures of Professor Oko, so named because he thinks too much.

feeling like a mom

Today I really feel like a mom. Toffi is sick, so he stayed home from work, and I had to pick up the morning walk that he normally takes with Oko. I've been puttering around the house this morning doing laundry and the like. I played a little with Marie, read her a story, and now she's napping in her little baby hammock thingy. Toffi's asleep in the bedroom, and I've been waking him about once every 2 hours to make sure he drinks something to rehydrate. In about half an hour, I'll be headed to a bilingual nursery school to check things out and put Marie's name on their waiting list. After that, I should probably get Toffi some soup. Does that sound like a mom's day or what?

I also got an email from my friend Mareike today. She sent this lovely poem:

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and he bends you with his might
that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so he loves also the bow that is stable.

because I grew up watching Sesame Street

Mommy needs coffee

So yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I hadn't been to see a dentist since moving to Berlin 4 years ago, and it was only because I suspected several small cavities that I finally got off my ass and decided to break the streak. The whole business made me pretty nervous - partly because I was a little scared of what the dentist would find and partly because I couldn't exactly bring Marie with me. And depending on what kind of work my teeth required, I might have to go back a second time and leave Marie again.

So I spent the week preparing by pumping enough breast milk for the big day. Since Marie's drinking habits aren't always consistent, I decided to err on the side of too much rather than too little. Toffi got Friday off of work, and I showed him all he needed to know about feeding Marie pumped milk from a bottle. I got up early, had some breakfast, nursed and changed Marie, and headed out. It took almost an hour to get there because rather than see some random dentist nearby, I decided to go to someone I actually knew - a good friend of my cousin - and his office was at the other end of the world.

To my great surprise, there was NOTHING wrong with my teeth. I have a couple spots that need to be monitored, but nothing good dental hygiene won't keep in check. I chatted with the dentist about how to care for Marie's teeth when they come in and promised that I'd start coming for regular check-ups. So I had gotten all worried for nothing. Still, I did something good for my teeth.

I brought breakfast with me when I went home, and Toffi made us some coffee, which I desperately needed after having gotten up so early. Also, he told me that Marie had had only about a quarter of a bottle! Obviously, her hunger hadn't been that acute, and she wanted to hold out for the real deal. So the two things that had me anxious all week - my teeth and leaving Marie with enough breast milk - both turned out to be no big deal at all! Sheesh.

In fact, the whole worrying and not sleeping enough took such a toll on my system that I ended up with a clogged duct in one breast. And lemme tell ya, clogs hurt like hell. Fortunately, I managed to work it out by early this afternoon, but seriously, I can't keep getting these things every time I'm under stress. So I'm going to have to work on eliminating the sources of this anxiety. I guess I'll get around to it soon, but in the meantime, I'll settle for a really good cup of coffee.