too busy to write

So Toffi's been back for a few days, which is soooooo nice. We've all been peachy. But yesterday Marie had her third round of vaccinations and was consequently a very needy baby all day and night. She had a fever that got up to 39.1° C (102.4° F), and that is still hovering around 38.5 (101.3). It also looks like she caught Toffi's cold. But whatever. We'll get through that too. In the meantime, some recent photos...

halftime

Four days and counting. So far, so good.

I don't want to jinx myself by saying this, but so far, this hasn't been as bad as I was afraid it would be. My friend Caterina stayed with me for part of the weekend, and today I had coffee with a friend who has a toddler, a newborn and a husband who has to travel a lot for work (which has sort of put things into perspective for me). Toffi's sister has taken the dog off my hands for a good 4 hours every day, and I've actually enjoyed taking him for his morning walks. Toffi and I talk on the phone each evening after Marie goes to bed, and he tells me about Russia and I tell him about babyland.

There is one thing that's got me pretty pissed, though. Toffi's in Murmansk, which is north of the Arctic Circle. I'm in Berlin, which is decidedly not. Nevertheless, ever since he left Berlin, it has been colder here than it is there. I am not even kidding. It is freezing here, and the irony is that Toffi was worried that he didn't have warm enough clothes to pack for his trip. He should have left them here so that I could wear them!

Oh, and to all the people who have written emails to me in the last few days: I will get around to replying soon! I promise!

don't panic

Before I start, I'd just like to say that it doesn't seem like a whole week has passed since my last post, but lo and behold, that's exactly how long it's been.

So I'm panicking a little, and I think I'm going to have to dig out my copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and my towel and take some deep breaths. Toffi will be leaving on Saturday for a business trip to Russia, and he'll be gone for eight whole days. Despite all the rewards of staying home with Marie every day, it is quite hard, and I'm always relieved when Toffi comes home in the evenings. And having him here on weekends is what keeps me sane. So I have no idea how I'll cope with these eight days. I mean, I'm sure I'll manage, but I also expect it to take its toll on me, physically and emotionally. Then again, single moms have to do this all the time, so eight days can't be that bad, right?

our furry fatty

Well, Oko is officially a porker. I was at the vet's picking up his medicine, and the assistant suggested we weigh him to make sure his dose is still right. Turns out he's gained 3 kilos since the last time - and he was already a kilo or 2 too heavy that time. This doesn't change his dosage, but it does mean he needs to go on a diet. I guess this is partly our fault (the other part is that he's simply getting older). He gets less exercise now that Marie dictates our daily lives. I try to take him for longish walks as often as possible, but I can't run with him or even play ball with him in the park when I have Marie strapped to my front, so he only gets that kind of fun when Toffi has the time.

In that spirit, I give you a photo I've titled "Mooooom, we're boooooored."

the big M

I had coffee with two good friends today. One of them asked me about how things have changed since becoming a mother. How had my outlook on life changed? Did I feel like my personality had changed at all? I said that while my outlook had changed in some ways, my personality had not, but I didn't really have time to answer fully because Marie was tired, and the closer we got to her bedtime, the closer she got to a full meltdown. In other words, I had to make a fast exit so I could get my cranky, crying baby home. But then after putting Marie to bed, I started thinking about the question a little more.

I have been very aware of the changes to my day-to-day life. How could I not? Marie's needs and moods dictate my daily schedule. Granted, now that she actually has some sort of predictable eating and sleeping pattern, I can work around it pretty well. The first two months were much more chaotic. Still, though, Marie comes first. But by and large, these are practical changes that - while dramatic - do not mean the end of life as I knew it.

As for my outlook, there are things that have changed. Cars, or rather traffic in general, seem much more frightening to me than ever before. Walking around with a baby carriage makes you realize how inconvenient a big city can be for moms (not to mention people in wheelchairs!). My respect for mothers is enormous; when I see a mother with two or more small children in tow, I am simply in awe of her ability just to get out of the house. And children are magical. This isn't something new for me, but it has been reinforced hundredfold since having one of my own.

My personality, on the other hand, has remained the same. Or at least that's how I see it. I imagine there are women whose personalities change when they become mothers, but I suspect that in those cases, the women were probably in search of something to complete their lives and they somehow needed children to fulfill them. I'm not saying that Marie doesn't fulfill me; I'm just saying that I had a full life before her arrival in it. I don't believe that my partner completes me, but rather that he complements me. I was a whole person before I met him, and life is so much better now that we are sharing it with one another. So motherhood has brought changes, but I'm still Steph. My sense of humor is still sarcastic. I'm unforgiving if you start a political debate with me. I know I've got brains and I'm not afraid to use them. I have ambitious plans for my academic career (which is, admittedly, on hold for the moment). I'm still a feminist who will tell you exactly how the patriarchy is holding us down, but now I'm also a stay-at-home mom. And no, I don't think there's any contradiction there.

I may spend ridiculous amounts of time doing laundry, but that hasn't tampered with my love of books. I may sing silly songs more than I listen to music, but that doesn't diminish my broad interest in music of all kinds. I don't wear shirts that aren't breastfeeding-friendly these days, but that hardly means my taste in fashion has changed fundamentally. At the moment, I have no time to read on the subject of my research, but my interest hasn't waned and I know that slowly, I'll find ways to fit it in more. My life has been turned upside down - there's no doubt about it - but I'm not about to become a totally different person because of it. And I take great comfort in that.

here's hoping

I seriously almost cried when I saw this, and afterwards, my first thought was that I hope I can teach my daughter to love and respect her body. The title is so appropriate. It really is an onslaught.

the dreaded hair-fall-outiness*

I know we've all gone through phases when we've lost a little more hair than usual. I remember when a classmate of mine was losing lots of hair in high school. Frankly, I wasn't concerned since I didn't like the biotch, but it turned out that the vegetarian diet she was on in a vain attempt to lose weight led to a protein deficiency, which led to hair loss. Mwahahahaha! Fat and balding! Ahem. Like I said, I didn't really give a crap. I then went through my own hair-losing phase in my freshman year of college. But anyone familiar with my lifestyle at that time wouldn't be surprised by that. Three hours of sleep a night can't be good for your hair, people. And apparently, most people's hair goes through heightened shedding in the spring and fall (Anyone else feel like a dog that gets a winter and summer coat and sheds during the transition after reading that? No? Just me? Okay, I guess I'm just weird.). But this time, it's a little disturbing.

Since I'm pretty much the first one of my friends to have a baby, I'll 'splain you what happens. There are a number of hormones (perhaps best called horror-mones) that are produced by a gal's body when she's pregnant. Two of these are estrogen and progesterone, and increased levels of these guys result in fuller hair because they cause hair to stay in the "growing phase" when it would normally be in the "resting phase" (i.e. falling out). Basically, this means that hair that would normally have fallen out while you were pregnant decides to stick around longer. After giving birth, however, levels of these hormones plummet, which is responsible for things like the "baby blues" (not to be confused with postpartum depression, which is something far uglier). And logically, without the high hormone levels, the hair that was putting in overtime during pregnancy is finally free to go. Now, let's stop and think about what this means: the vast majority of the hair you would normally lose over a nine-month period now falls out more or less all at once. The result can be quite dramatic.

In my research (i.e. Googling) on the topic, I've learned that it's normal for the hair-fall-outiness to start at about 3 months postpartum, when hormones have stabilized, and to continue to fall out until about 6 months postpartum, at which point the rate of loss begins to gradually return to normal. Well, by my clock, today marks four months postpartum exactly, and if this falling out continues for another two months, I'm gonna be friggin' bald. My hair is everywhere. I am constantly pulling strands out of Marie's mouth, from between her fingers and toes, even from her diaper (don't ask - I have no clue how they get there). It's all over my clothes, my food, my pillow. And without revealing too much about our bathroom cleaning habits, let's just say that it used to take several hairwashes by me and Toffi for the shower drain to need to be freed from hair (What are those little strainer-like thingies called that you put in shower and sink drains to trap hair and avoid losing rings and such? I can't remember for the life of me.). But now the drain fills so fast that I'm standing in 2 inches of water at the end of every damn shower (and yes, I'm cleaning the drain every time).

So, apart from ranting about the loss of my locks, I think I'm going to have to get a shorter haircut before things get really out of hand. At least that will reduce the length of the hairs I'm losing and make the effect on any remaining hair less obvious. Because nothing says "white trash" quite so much as long, sparse, stringy hair. Well, except wearing jellies while sitting on the stoop of your trailer.

On a brighter note, Marie is officially four months old! She can roll over, catapult herself out of her bouncy seat and have entire conversations with herself in baby babble. She also finally has a more or less regular bedtime, which falls anywhere between 6pm and 8pm. Unfortunately, the fact that she goes to bed so early means that she's started getting up early, too. I've tried to see if I can get her to bed later so that I don't have to get up at 6:30 in the mornings, but her internal clock has resisted this so far. On the other hand, I can usually take naps with her. In fact, when I do, her naps tend to be longer, which means she doesn't get quite so cranky in the late afternoon. Anyway, the bottom line is that she sleeps for long stretches of time, and that is a damn good thing. I don't have any new photos, but I promise to have some soon.

* I'm pretty sure I stole this phrase from Amalah, but I can't remember whether I read it on this blog or on this one.