Warning: load of self-pity ahead. Also, possibly TMI. Read at own risk.
A few days ago, I started feeling a little funny. Faintness, weakness, hot and cold flashes. I thought maybe it was the stress of the holidays or an oncoming flu. I took my temperature a couple times and was baffled by the wildly varying readings until I realized the thermometer was broken. No fever; I just felt like crap. The next day, I felt fine. Toffi and I even went out on a date! After Marie was in bed, with her grandparents, aunt and even great-grandmother home to take over should she wake up, we went out to a Cuban restaurant, followed by meeting some friends in a pub. I felt hoarse on the way home, but I figured it was from practically shouting for 2 hours (it was reeeeally loud in that pub!).
When I woke up the next morning (yesterday), I felt like CRAP. I mean total CRAP-OLA. Sore throat, headache, unimaginable pain in my back and ribcage. I got up with Marie, had breakfast, we played, went for a walk with the dog, and around 11 am I just couldn't take it anymore. I then spent the rest of the day in bed. I came downstairs in the evening and had some cream of wheat. It was then that I noticed that my right breast was sore. I had a plugged duct. As if everything else wasn't already enough! I locked myself in the warm bathroom to try and see if I could express any milk. I could. And it was effing bloody. Bloody! I freaked out, dabbed at it with a tissue and showed the "evidence" to Toffi. We talked about how it could be that my milk was bloody and what should be done.
Luckily, my sister-in-law still has a gynecologist in her home town (I've been at my in-laws for the holidays), so we decided to call the doctor first thing in the morning and make an appointment. I woke up (today) feeling even worse. I needed help getting dressed, for pete's sake. Toffi helped me into the car, and off we went. Even though I didn't have to wait long at the doctor's, it was too long for me to sit upright in a chair - I had to be shown into an exam room so I could lie down while waiting. The doctor was great. Very friendly and warm. Very reassuring. I described all my symptoms, including the sore throat, which would have been unmistakable anyway since you can pretty much see my swollen glands at this point. I had been assuming that after seeing the gynecologist, I would have to see a GP or ear, nose and throat specialist, but the doctor immediately nodded and said, "yep, sounds like mastitis." Apparently, back pain, headaches, chills and hot flashes - and yes, even swollen glands and sore throat - can all be the result of a breast infection! Who would have thunk it?!
She said I had two options. I could either take antibiotics and continue breastfeeding. Or I could wean Marie with the help of lactation suppressants. Either route would treat the mastitis since it isn't advanced yet. She asked me whether I wanted to continue breastfeeding. In theory, yes, I said. She suggested the possibility that breastfeeding has become too much for my body, and that my weakened immune system is now more vulnerable to infections. Toffi and I have been suspecting as much for a couple weeks now, but up until this doctor's visit, I hadn't given any serious thought to weaning. I have to admit that I was very torn. On the one hand, I believe in child-led weaning. On the other hand, I am feeling so physically drained from breastfeeding, even without the mastitis. I thought about it briefly and said I would wean. She prescribed the lactation suppressants and said she had office hours tomorrow, in case I needed to see her again (did she foresee my having second thoughts?).
I took the first lactation suppressant and slept a couple hours, and I felt worlds better when I woke up. But then I nursed Marie, and my heart almost broke. I realized that while my body might be screaming for weaning, my heart is nowhere near ready. Never mind the fact that Marie is unlikely to take a sudden weaning particularly well. For the past five hours or so, I've been thinking about alternatives. Ways to make breastfeeding work for both of us. Ways to get more sleep and rest without weaning. Ways to be healthier and finally gain some weight (I've lost at least ten pounds over the past couple months, and you could now definitely call me underweight).
I'm not sure, but I'm leaning toward going back to the doctor tomorrow and asking her to prescribe the antibiotics after all. Fortunately, any reduction in milk supply resulting from one or two lactation suppressants is easily reversable. I think I'll use this experience as an opportunity to reevaluate nursing, initiate a long-term weaning process (I'll definitely start with night weaning) and take more responsibility for my own well-being.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
merry christmas!
We've been having a lovely Christmas here, and I'd love to tell you more, but that'll have to wait until tomorrow or the next day. I'll just leave you with these two pictures: Marie helping hang ornaments on the tree (traditionally in Germany, the tree isn't set up and decorated until Christmas Eve), and Marie and her Papa taking a nap on Christmas Day.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
hanky-panky
You may remember that I wrote about joining Crunchy Domestic Goddess' Ditch the Disposables Challenge a few months ago. I decided that I would trade disposable Swiffer cloths for reusable prefold diapers and paper tissues for reusable cloth handkerchiefs. So, how have I fared? Incredibly well, I'm happy to say!
The Swiffer cloth trade-in hasn't been much of a big deal, as I rarely use the Swiffer, but using handkerchiefs has definitely been a big change. I made my handkerchiefs by cutting up two cotton jersey pillow cases. This was super easy, since I didn't even have to hem the squares I cut. The biggest problem I had at the beginning was how to store them. I didn't want to just keep a stack of them lying around. Keeping them in a drawer would have been too inconvenient. I needed something simple and fast. My solution was an empty baby wipes container. I cut out the feeder in the opening, making enough room to pull out the handkerchiefs. I can refill it from the bottom and pull out single squares through the opening in the top.
This has made all the difference in the world, and it's so convenient to use them that even Toffi has started using them (most of the time). When I'm out and about with Marie, I always have two in my coat pockets - one for her and one for me. I cut some of the handkerchiefs larger than the rest, and these are the ones I usually take on outings since they last longer. I wash them with our whites, and they always come out looking good as new. And the best part? They're gentler on the nose than even the softest paper tissue. So even when I've got a cold (like today) and have to blow my nose 140 times a day, my nose doesn't get all red, dry and flaky. I'm happy to call this experiment a resounding success!
The Swiffer cloth trade-in hasn't been much of a big deal, as I rarely use the Swiffer, but using handkerchiefs has definitely been a big change. I made my handkerchiefs by cutting up two cotton jersey pillow cases. This was super easy, since I didn't even have to hem the squares I cut. The biggest problem I had at the beginning was how to store them. I didn't want to just keep a stack of them lying around. Keeping them in a drawer would have been too inconvenient. I needed something simple and fast. My solution was an empty baby wipes container. I cut out the feeder in the opening, making enough room to pull out the handkerchiefs. I can refill it from the bottom and pull out single squares through the opening in the top.
This has made all the difference in the world, and it's so convenient to use them that even Toffi has started using them (most of the time). When I'm out and about with Marie, I always have two in my coat pockets - one for her and one for me. I cut some of the handkerchiefs larger than the rest, and these are the ones I usually take on outings since they last longer. I wash them with our whites, and they always come out looking good as new. And the best part? They're gentler on the nose than even the softest paper tissue. So even when I've got a cold (like today) and have to blow my nose 140 times a day, my nose doesn't get all red, dry and flaky. I'm happy to call this experiment a resounding success!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
doh!
You know what is so hilarious about that picture of Marie with the chocolate all over her?
The bib hanging on the side of her high chair.
I just noticed that for the first time.
The bib hanging on the side of her high chair.
I just noticed that for the first time.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
silence is golden
Sometimes I'm not sure what we did before Marie started going to daycare. We had her at home last Friday, as well as this Monday and Tuesday, and it seriously almost killed us. She had a stomach thing - nothing really bad, but still the kind of thing where you keep your kid at home lest you be to blame for 10 other toddlers getting a virus. Plus, she's been incredibly cranky recently. When we picked her up from daycare last Thursday, the caretakers said she'd been crying on and off all day, falling apart at the slightest provocation. We first blamed her tummy bug, but now that she's healthy and her mood hasn't really improved, it seems clear that her cranky-pants attitude has a lot to do with a huuuuuuuge developmental leap: she's talking.
By her first birthday, Marie could pretty much say 3 words: Mama, Papa and Oko. Then, nothing really happened. She began using those words with more purpose, but no new words came. Then, about two weeks ago, "Schlüssel" and "bear" were added to the mix. "Bear" seemed pretty logical: she adores teddy bears. Other stuffed animals are clearly inferior. But "Schlüssel?" It means "key," and really isn't the easiest word to pronounce. But Marie also loves keys, holding them, carrying them, giving them to you at the right moment so you can unlock something, wearing a lanyard keychain around her neck. So I guess it's not strange that it's one of her first words. Still, "key" is a helluva lot easier to pronounce than its German counterpart!
And since the middle of last week, she's suddenly started talking like a parrot, saying all sorts of words we say, and clearly, knowing exactly what they mean: "ball," "peepee," "Ampel" (means traffic light), "Cheerios" (although her version sounds more like "cheechee"), "Marie" (sounds like "Mamie"), "shoes," "chair," "open," "tea," "eye," "ear" and probably a number of others that are eluding me at the moment. She's having a veritable language explosion, and it seems to be consuming her so completely that she has no energy or patience left for anything else. She's been having a zillion temper tantrums a day, wants to nurse nonstop through the night and has refused to take naps. The last one is probably the one that has tortured us the most. When Marie is home all day, we thrive on the fact that she sleeps for 1-2 hours in the middle of the day. Sometimes we nap with her. Other times, it's just good to have an hour or two of quiet. But when she won't nap or will only nap in the stroller, as was the case the past two days, we do not have even a tiny little break. And since she really neeeeds that nap, we trudge out through the gray cold so she can snooze. And forget about getting any work done. I wasn't able to translate at all or work on my thesis or attend my research colloquium. Toffi had to work a little, and he did almost all of it at night. So by the end of the day, when she's finally in bed, it's all we can do to eat dinner and fall into bed ourselves. But of course, with her all-night nursing, going to bed hasn't brought much relief for me.
Anyway, this morning, we took Marie to the doctor to make sure she's healthy again, then off to daycare. She had a little separation anxiety when I left her there, but overall, she seemed so happy to be there. "Hooray!" her face seemed to say, "now I can play with other kids and grownups who aren't sleep-deprived zombies like you losers!" Toffi and I walked back home, unlocked the apartment door, and Toffi summed it up when he said, "ah, the silence. The promise of what we can do now: sleep, shower, eat breakfast without our coffee getting cold. The possibilities are endless. The quiet. The peacefulness."
Amen.
By her first birthday, Marie could pretty much say 3 words: Mama, Papa and Oko. Then, nothing really happened. She began using those words with more purpose, but no new words came. Then, about two weeks ago, "Schlüssel" and "bear" were added to the mix. "Bear" seemed pretty logical: she adores teddy bears. Other stuffed animals are clearly inferior. But "Schlüssel?" It means "key," and really isn't the easiest word to pronounce. But Marie also loves keys, holding them, carrying them, giving them to you at the right moment so you can unlock something, wearing a lanyard keychain around her neck. So I guess it's not strange that it's one of her first words. Still, "key" is a helluva lot easier to pronounce than its German counterpart!
And since the middle of last week, she's suddenly started talking like a parrot, saying all sorts of words we say, and clearly, knowing exactly what they mean: "ball," "peepee," "Ampel" (means traffic light), "Cheerios" (although her version sounds more like "cheechee"), "Marie" (sounds like "Mamie"), "shoes," "chair," "open," "tea," "eye," "ear" and probably a number of others that are eluding me at the moment. She's having a veritable language explosion, and it seems to be consuming her so completely that she has no energy or patience left for anything else. She's been having a zillion temper tantrums a day, wants to nurse nonstop through the night and has refused to take naps. The last one is probably the one that has tortured us the most. When Marie is home all day, we thrive on the fact that she sleeps for 1-2 hours in the middle of the day. Sometimes we nap with her. Other times, it's just good to have an hour or two of quiet. But when she won't nap or will only nap in the stroller, as was the case the past two days, we do not have even a tiny little break. And since she really neeeeds that nap, we trudge out through the gray cold so she can snooze. And forget about getting any work done. I wasn't able to translate at all or work on my thesis or attend my research colloquium. Toffi had to work a little, and he did almost all of it at night. So by the end of the day, when she's finally in bed, it's all we can do to eat dinner and fall into bed ourselves. But of course, with her all-night nursing, going to bed hasn't brought much relief for me.
Anyway, this morning, we took Marie to the doctor to make sure she's healthy again, then off to daycare. She had a little separation anxiety when I left her there, but overall, she seemed so happy to be there. "Hooray!" her face seemed to say, "now I can play with other kids and grownups who aren't sleep-deprived zombies like you losers!" Toffi and I walked back home, unlocked the apartment door, and Toffi summed it up when he said, "ah, the silence. The promise of what we can do now: sleep, shower, eat breakfast without our coffee getting cold. The possibilities are endless. The quiet. The peacefulness."
Amen.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
housekeeping
So I'm sitting here with a cup of English breakfast tea on a gray, early-December day and realizing a few things:
• I wish I had the time and energy to post more on my blog. There's all sorts of stuff going on in my brain that I want to write about and share with y'all, and yet somehow, the vast majority of it never makes it to my blog.
• I looooooooooove the holiday season. Yes, it's a bit stressful with all the oh-crap-what-am-I-going-to-give-so-and-so panic, but the music! and the colors! and the lights! and the fun! Having a small child really helps remind you how magical the holidays can be before you get old enough to notice extended family infighting and have to actually pay for all the gifts you give others.
• I am soooo incredibly not motivated to write my damn thesis. I have committed myself to writing it this semester (i.e. by March), and at this point, it's really just a chore that I want to get over with. I'm much more interested in redecorating the apartment, putting some finishing touches on Marie's room, working on some sewing projects and spending time with Marie, Toffi and that annoying dog...er...Oko. Do I sound a bit domestic? Damn right, I do!
• I miss you guys! All you wonderful friends who mean so much to me! I have all these emails in my head that I want to write to you, but the time! It just slips through my fingers. I hope you won't give up on me. One of these days there'll be a tome from me in your inbox, and I'll tell you all the things I've been wanting to share. Or at least the things I haven't forgotten by then. Mommy brain can be a bitch like that.
• I wish I had the time and energy to post more on my blog. There's all sorts of stuff going on in my brain that I want to write about and share with y'all, and yet somehow, the vast majority of it never makes it to my blog.
• I looooooooooove the holiday season. Yes, it's a bit stressful with all the oh-crap-what-am-I-going-to-give-so-and-so panic, but the music! and the colors! and the lights! and the fun! Having a small child really helps remind you how magical the holidays can be before you get old enough to notice extended family infighting and have to actually pay for all the gifts you give others.
• I am soooo incredibly not motivated to write my damn thesis. I have committed myself to writing it this semester (i.e. by March), and at this point, it's really just a chore that I want to get over with. I'm much more interested in redecorating the apartment, putting some finishing touches on Marie's room, working on some sewing projects and spending time with Marie, Toffi and that annoying dog...er...Oko. Do I sound a bit domestic? Damn right, I do!
• I miss you guys! All you wonderful friends who mean so much to me! I have all these emails in my head that I want to write to you, but the time! It just slips through my fingers. I hope you won't give up on me. One of these days there'll be a tome from me in your inbox, and I'll tell you all the things I've been wanting to share. Or at least the things I haven't forgotten by then. Mommy brain can be a bitch like that.
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